spirituality is a slow process

We were at a party store for some supplies with my husband G and the kids, picking up a few things for the girls' party. K, my 4 year old boy asked for a few things and I reminded him we were at the store today for the girls' things and that we would come back to look at other things another day. He dragged behind us looking and picking at many things.

 At the checkout one of the girls cued that he may have something in his hands. So G asked him what he had. K cleverly pulls out his hand, palms facing down and holds a toy with his thumb against his palm. He says, 'Nothing!' We did a lot of talking when we got home. Now the shame we felt as parents. It's difficult to not take that personally. I am the responsible one. I am shaping this kid... apparently with low morals.

 Thinking about it when I came home, I realized I'm so concerned with my own shame that I didn't let this kid be a 4 year old kid. Testing, observing, and falling into nafs and instant gratification. This is not tied to anything else other than his development. That took me to my iman. There are times I feel ashamed of the state of my iman. I'm ashamed of how I have shaped it and of others judging me for it. I should be better. I shouldn't be doing this and doing that knowing it is wrong. I've read so many times what is right and what is wrong. Over and over and over and still I do what I do. But, look(!), it's growing. This is part of its childhood. It's testing, observing, and more often than not falling into nafs and short-term gratification. It's learning. 

Compared to the age of our iman, our physical body lives in dog years. Spirituality is a slow process. And as long as Shaytan exists, our iman will always come short of our expectations. So maybe it's time to give ourselves some credit and give the opportunity for things and people to grow and flourish into something that we will be proud of in the long-term.

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