i speak to Allah, i heal

I woke up this morning with an aching heart. Not physical, but emotional. In my thoughts searching for who I can talk to, who would understand and who could say something that will help. Searching for anything that will ease this pain.⠀

I get distracted getting the kids ready. I get distracted working. Then I remember what happened and what may follow and this aching pangs again. Throbbing. Starts at my heart and vibrates down to my stomach and to upper arms. And my throat. And it affects how I breath. I want to hide. I'm confused. I'm scared. I'm hurt. I just want things to be normal again.⠀

I consciously keep reminding myself, I can't run away from this. I cannot hide. I cannot delete. I can only face... the bitterness. And I consciously keep reminding myself, even this will pass. Allah can straighten my affairs.⠀

And this moment gives me understanding of your situation. You tell me your iman is low due to life problems and I understand now. This heart aches and vibrates in a way that I can't focus... on anything but IT. It's so loud. I find, I especially cannot focus with my children and on my salah. Even if I keep repeating myself. I achieve an inch of clarity, then it drifts again. This aching controls me.⠀

But remember one thing. We want to talk. We want to get it out. I was searching for someone to talk to this morning. But I couldn't focus on my prayer. But prayer IS talking! Maybe I needed to get into specifics to get into focus. So after Subhana Rabi'al A'lla - I spoke of my specifics in my sujood.⠀

And as I drove, I talked to Allah in my own words again. I was specific with what I wanted and what I didn't want. And it was healing... hopeful... comforting. I know the words of my friends and family will help me ease... but it will be short-term. My words to Allah can heal me fully.⠀

Someone wise once said, you will deal with all kinds of people in this world. It's a nature of this world. If you can't handle working with difficult people, then you should go straight to heaven because that is the only place where difficult people do not exist. More #motivation for #jannah#TakeMeThere #IwantPEACE #IamJOY

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